glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My vagina just clenched in fear
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
