My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
