I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
