A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Randomize