when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
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