Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
