I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
