The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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