when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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