I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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