I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
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What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
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Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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