dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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