I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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