First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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