She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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