You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
