Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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