Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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