Girls should come with a carfax report
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
