Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
