Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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