i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
