when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
