Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
