I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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