$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
