I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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