Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
