so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
