I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
