Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
