Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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