They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
