somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize