i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
50% drunk capacity currently
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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