I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
