I can feel you judging me through the phone.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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