ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm like, not good at living.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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