i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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