6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
