I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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