are you still at the devil's house?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
