that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
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I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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