I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
