Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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