I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
