i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
