Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
