He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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