i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
