I could make wine with my vomit
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
