i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
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okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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