Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
