I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
