thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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