i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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