were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
