I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
