Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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