how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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